Where do I go...

well as the title reads...i ask myself,where do I go from here. Well as usual its been a while since I wrote and I always come back with something. When I started writing this blog it was a time of sadness and extreme pain for me, as one of my Best friend Tony said...to not love is pain but to love with no return is the greatest sadness of all. To me this blog was a baby, a seed of hope to a new life...but that didnt go so well, i didnt honour my promise...to leave and let lose.I went back to what I wanted so much to leave. My life hasn't been easy, its been hard ive gone to the bottom without being able to control the escalator that took me there. Sometimes I feel I am the king of sorrow...sometimes the queen of joy. sometimes I want to love sometimes i cringe at the word love...the uncertainty of life doesnt help the situation,I have learn t a lot through this whole lifetime of being me...but the best I know about me is the ability to really make it in life.

To spill the beans, I am baptizing my new baby tomorrow and setting it off. I'm taking a a leap towards my future. Its scary as it comes with another side of me that I wanted to keep forever dead. Well I started smoking again and I know when that triggers it means im scared. Well I am, the whole lot of me. I'm scared of the future what it holds for me...I mean how many break up will I see, how many people who mean the world to me will I lose, how many tears will I cry, how many good times or bad times will I or not see....

Well my friend u would not believe where i$ at now!!! Casablanca...amazing ambience! I'm alone enjoying a glass of wine and weirdly texing on to my blacberryB I fuckin look like a snob or a high maintenance whore:-) please forgive me for my slurry spelling,I haven't been drinking water the whole night!sheesh!

Anyway I realised today that we are in a jungle we women especially. Take the jungle called casablanca...its is everyone for themselves and God for us all...its the survival for the fittest and guess what I'm in the race tooooo I'm wearing my sexy gold dress!well I'm back to the singles club and I guess I'm allowed...well the music is just pumpong up and its neo playing. Its a mostly whites club,but I like it.I have a stalker already,I reckon its my new hair. The one I gave my heart to once reckoned I look sexy in it and I'd trust his judgement anytime,so I'm abit confident in my looks todaya! But who isn't P.s I'm going to get a drink so pause.

Well I'm on the king called tequila hmmmmm I'm going to flip quite soon! Anywayu back to the jungle,in nairobi the mamas are fly! How the fuck do dudes choose!! In casablanca is a war of the booties!u lnow the first thing a woman does when they enter the club...is take a glance size the competition...who's better whosd classier...no one??heads up high!and today I proved the jungle theory,men are not ur brothers its war to lure them!

I'm not in a. Luring mood today,I'm in a tequila mood and I'm having a ball! Ohhh I'm turning heads..+- !2(( !!-. I'm out.

Nil by Mouth....

First I apologize to you my dear blog for being away...I haven't updated you for a long time, to say the truth i haven't found the inspiration to. Things have happened too first like lightening and the truth of the matter its been a dream every day has been like on auto pilot i mean alot has happened since i was last there.

Well its 11,44pm Valentines eve and im just from having a drink with a special person in my life...Tony,let me share Tony. We were in campus with him, and weve come a long way back. I have always admired his sense of organization and the quality of being principled...i mean Tony would always be the one sensible person in a disco pub at 2 am in the morning!!! Today i dedicate my blog to Tony and his late mother. You'll notice the title of the blog, well today Tony shared with me his story about his mum and her problem with Colon cancer, how she was feeding through a tube and thus the sign at her bed...nil by mouth.

I felt like i needed to meet this woman to whom Tony described with so much conviction and pride...i am very particular with words that people say, and when they talk to me i always try to look at their eyes and feel their mood or feelings at that time...when i looked at Tony today...he was full of love for a Mother who lived her life to the sacrifice of her children. I cried most of the time...i kept on thinking the other patrons of the pub thought that maybe me and Tony were a couple and he was dumping me because of the way I was crying most of the time :-) but the reason why i cried is i couldn't imagine someone being so strong, i could not imagine a life so sad...but Tony consoled me (ironically) and told me his mother would not have passed on any way better. This strong woman who i have never met...prepared her children whom she loved greatly in a way she only and her maker could understand, and brought them together...may her soul rest in peace.

I felt that I had neglected my friends...Tony, Suzzy, Debby, Njoki and Kajane...i was too caught up in a misery that is not worth it to not take time to listen to my friend Tony. We as human beings see that our problems would not be worser than the neighbor's...but we are wrong. I was mourning a lost 'love' while one of the best people in my life were mourning a mother and confidant!!! I feel like i betrayed him, i told him that, I could not believe he went through all that without me being in his life as a friend he could lean on...i was too busy concentrating on my own problems concerning people who didn't care for me to care for him. I apologize my dear friend...never again. To Tony's mum.... REST IN PEACE, YE OF GREAT HEARTS!!!

I learnt alot today....that we can never take life for granted, lets all prepare for the coming days with less bitterness and more hapiness...you just may never know!

One tree Hill...

I meant to write this post on 28th but ive just checked the time and noticed its 12.00am:date- 29th...wow how time flies by. Anyway yesterday i was a bit selfish with my thoughts, i was watching one tree hill the fourth season and i was just filled with mixed feelings...the song by Gavin Degraw touched me in ways I could not explain!

As I watched the series...a lot of memories flooded back, things that I thought I had forgotten but are back. A person I am struggling to forget came back to me through watching one tree hill. This may sound weird but i saw alot of me and them in there...the only difference is we were doing it wrong while Lucas and Brooke were doing it right. Cliche aint it for me to compare...but if you took a walk in my shoes from 5am January 22nd 2007 to now you would understand.

I am in a room...and my thought is that its only one person who has the key to set me free. I dont know, i may be right i may be wrong. Though what i know is its hard to carry painful memories and sad thoughts, we as human beings need a chance to make a mistake to know what is right for them or not. I need to relinquish and cleanse...ive made alot of progress and I DONT WANT TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT I AM TRYING TO BE LATELY!

At this time of flooding memories session...i ask my self, who do I want to be and will I be able to live with the person I choose to be?

On a positive note I got some amazing news today...I introduce Dorothy M to my blog today. Well in realistic circumstances (for those who know) were not allowed by society to be friends...I mean the kind of circumstances we became friends always amazes me. I am glad I did...ill share her. Shes an amazing person, Kind hearted and the most considerate being ive met, very hardworking an a go getter...someone once told me im the lazy version of Dorothy! haa haa very funny. Anyway she got a job today in the most miraculous way ever...from her I realised The God I serve is a mighty one...and I wish her the best of luck!

Well im about to sleep right now...but one thing that I know I do not regret offering peace and a white dove to you...I do not regret not wanting to hope...but I do regret that the peace dove was not accepted, because as humans...we make rash decisions not knowing that our futiure is a second ahead of the moment and that second may change your life forever. I'll strive to make peace and not war because I fight for something that I believe in and it doesnt matter if its right or wrong...and i don't regret being me...

Gavin DeGraw...You sang this for me...

I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been tryin to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
am I the only one who's noticed
I can't be the only one who's learned
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

Can I have everyone's attention please
if you're not like this and that
You're gonna have to leave

I came from the mountains
the crust of creation
My whole situation made from clay dust stone
and now I'm telling everybody

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

My sentiments today...

Is she Angie or Cleopatra...

A lot of Kenyans have died in the past few weeks due to post election violence...well today the two presidential candidates met for some 'mediation' of some sort...under the guide of Koffi anan- the Nobel price winner. After a whole afternoons meeting they come out smiles and both of them tell the nation-through the media that they are now thinking of working together for a solution! SERIOUSLY the election violence started on the 29th of December...did it take this two people all these days, all the lives lost and all the people displaced to `know that today was the day? i mean were all the lives lost for no reason...is politics really a game that only the players understand? or does it boil down to power and its corrupting nature? anyway i guess we just have to wait and see the movie unfolding...

A thought occurred to me...is it possible to know people and their true personalities? take for example you meet someone, lets call him John Doe in the streets today and you look at them well the first impression you will get is based on their clothing(he is wearing a black suit)...then you get to know them for lets say 10 years you separate and you come meet up after 10 years...and one day your walking down the street and you meet a friend and you realize that John Doe is a common friend...you sit down for coffee and the first thing your friend tells you..."JOHN DOE IS SUCH A BASTARD AND A LIAR" and you look at them with awe and clarify if this is the same John Doe you know...he is the one...but the John Doe you know is the most "HUMBLE PLEASANT TRUTHFUL" person you have met.

So in a bid to protect your friend John Doe you ask your other friend to share as to what made him/her come to that conclusion of his persona...and they unravel the worst image you've ever been painted of a person you know...to make matters worse...she has someone who can collaborate the story! when you think about it you wonder is that the same person you knew...and thats why I ask DO YOU KNOW PEOPLE ONLY TO THE EXTENT THEY WANT YOU TO KNOW THEM? why is it that different people have different notions of the same person... is it that you decide to show this side of you to others and not to others? or is it some level of multiple personality? well i agree people only let you know them to the extent they want you to know them, and I could vouch for that. And what I know is its the riskiest thing in life to actually affirm that you do know someone...because you never.

Friend to Foe...

Well from my earlier post... i sounded enthusiastic, well im more of disappointed now. Today i learned that it takes a second to unleash the worst beast from a human being...there is a very thin line between sanity and insanity...we human beings have an ability of being the worst, it takes a second to be that. Im yet to understand the complicated nature of a human being...what makes a person you so much trusted and loved and believed to have the same feeling reciprocated to you...turn out to be the person you loathe and despise most? I once heard that it could take you ages to build a reputation with someone but a single second to ruin it all.

Take a good example of what happened in Rwanda...Kenya now...neighbors who have lived together for ages, seen their children grow...within a split of a second...lash put at each others with pangas... food for thought!

On a brighter note there seems to be a bit of calm today, no much chaos actually i'm just watching from the news that most shops in the central business district have reopened. We still have a lot of displaced people though...the question still being asked....what is Kenya coming too...

The millionaire in the making had a talk with her self today again, i realized i have a lot of shedding to do. Embrace my new found hope...which is not willing to carry my past pains burdens. Why is it that when you already have a plan B plan A seems fruitful, and you want to go back...but back is a destination im never going too. I am long gone into a new chapter one that i am brave and able to face the challenges ive had. Im giving my heart a rest...Head...its your turn to run the show!